Just For Today
Accepting that I am an addict and always will be, accepting that I have bi-polar and always will has been a long process. I was like going through the various stages of the grieving process as proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. The steps are, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
I spent a lot of time in denial of both my addiction and my bi-polar disorder. In some ways it's like peeling the skin of an onion. I thought I had accepted my bi-polar disorder completely until I applied for Social Security Disability and realized that I may never work as a teacher again. I had so much of my identity wrapped up in my teaching that it was really hard to admit to myself that the bipolar disorder was ending that career. As for addiction, we all have heard about denial related to the acceptance of addiction, and I certainly went through that as well.
The long process of accepting myself and learning to love myself has been a journey I've been on my entire adult life. When I say that I accept myself today and am free to be the person God intended me to be, it sounds like I've arrived at some cosmic, spiritual plateau. This is certainly not the case. I have a lot more to learn and accept about myself. There are many things about myself I'd like to work on and improve on.
Learning to live a fulfilling life with bipolar involves learning to accept that it is a part of who I am. I learn to accept the help of a psychiatrist. I learn that I will be on medication for the rest of my life. I learn that I have to structure my life in a way that minimizes episodes of bipolar symptoms. It means accepting my limitations...and my strengths.
And there are strengths. I am happy with who I am and the life I've led. And that life has been born out of my personality as a recovering addict with bipolar disorder. I've had some incredible adventures that have come as a result of my bipolar spontaneity. I wouldn't trade it all for a life of...of what?...sanity?
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