Hypocritical?

It’s kind of funny, or at least it would be if I weren’t  so tired and frustrated.  It is easy for me to write about techniques for staying healthy.  It’s easy to write about how great everything is.  But  fact is, I’m having some fairly significant symptoms concerning my bipolar disorder.  Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that some of my behaviors are off the mark. 

I haven’t been sleeping, and I have been using caffeine.  It’s been like this  all week. I’ve been averaging about three to four hours of sleep a night. Today I had to make a two hundred mile drive and I got sleepy behind the wheel.  So, of course, I drank a 20 ounce truck stop  coffee.  It didn’t keep me awake behind the wheel.  I still ended up pulling off the road and taking a nap.  But boy is it keeping me awake now.  It’s now 2:30 am and I’m wide awake. 

I know what to do to address the situation.  I just don’t seem to be able to do it.  As tough as insomnia can be, the treatment is, at least, fairly straightforward.  Establishing good sleep hygiene can be incredibly hard to do.  My day has almost been the opposite of the list provided in the “sleep hygiene” link. 

Caffeine and nicotine-yup.

Naps-yup

Spicy food-oops guess I shouldn’t have just eaten that jalepeno omelet.

Exercise-nope, not today.  Spent  all day in the car.

Regular, relaxing bedtime routine-actually my routine has been to crank up the rock-and-roll and dance around the kitchen doing dishes.  Not exactly a relaxing bedtime routine, but at least the dishes are getting done.

Tough part about addressing my sleep hygiene and getting to bed is that I enjoy staying up.  Some nights I enjoy staying up clear through. The problem lies in the consequences of not sleeping.  There is always a reckoning.  When the reckoning comes it is not just me who pays the price but my family as well.  When I finally do crash, I am not able to participate in family life.  Not able to be a good parent or partner.  Ultimately poor decision making in the sleep department can lead to significantly for serious bipolar symptoms later.

All this said, it is important to remember one of the most important positive behaviors for treating the bipolar is not to beat myself up. I need to remember that bipolar is an illness and that my symptoms are just that.  Symptoms.  Getting angry at myself doesn’t help anything.  I am responsible for my choices and behavior, but it is important to remember that poor decision making is part of the disorder.

Well, blessings and good night.