cyclothymia

While there is no doubt that I fall fully on the bipolar spectrum, I am currently experiencing a form of cyclothymia.  Cyclothymia is a form of mild or subthreshold bipolar disorder.  Instead of cycling from full blown manic to major depressive episodes, in cyclothymia the fluctuation is from hypomania to mild depression.  I have been on a mild mood cycle all week.  I feel good in the morning, hypomanic in the afternoon, and mildly depressed in the evening.

While cycling of this sort still allows me to be fairly functional, it is exhausting after a week of it.  By evening I am overwhelmed by life and having a feeling of impending doom.  Well, not doom exactly, more like...nothing's ever going to work out so why bother trying any more.  And from that feeling it is easy to move on to, "since nothing's ever going to work out, why not get drunk."  Obviously, getting drunk is not the answer, but it is hard to see what the answer might be.

At this juncture it is important to step up the basics.  Take the positive actions that are fairly obvious.

1.  Step up meeting attendance
2.  Eat right
3.  Exercise
4.  Talk to somebody
5.  Do the dishes

You can stay sober and reasonably sane for a long time by simply focusing on small victories.  Victories like going to bed with a clean kitchen.  Showering and shaving, complete with aftershave, is another tried and true for me.  If you don't have bipolar disorder or you're not an addict, doing the dishes may seem like a trivial task.  On some days doing the dishes can be a lifesaver for me.

The other basics I mentioned, meetings, eating, exercising, and sharing, all seem about as straightforward as the dishes...right?   Well, they are straightforward in a way, but when you are feeling depressed and that your world is spiraling downward, the telephone can seem to weigh a hundred pounds.  Or getting in the car and driving to a meeting can seem like an impossible journey.

And really that's what this whole bipolar recovering addict thing is.  An incredible journey.  Just like the Disney movie, only way weirder.