Relapse doesn't have to be a part of recovery, but in my story it is. I didn't want to write and leave the mistaken impression that I have a million years of clean time because I don't. I had a relapse this year with heartbreaking results.
Addiction and bipolar disorder frequently go hand in hand. They certainly do for me. Bipolar disorder does not make it impossible to remain continuously abstinent, but it certainly doesn't help matters.
Relapse, for me, is a deep, dark, underwater cave. It feels like I'm drowning, and I can't reach the surface for air. When I relapse, I frequently stop taking my medications. Even if I try to take the medication, they don't work very well in concert with alcohol and other substances. The end result is some very erratic, sometimes dangerous behavior. I just get crazy in a really scary way. In a hurry.
I've chosen to make my (recovery) stand in 12 step programs. I'm in no way a good example of the message of hope the program offers. If I should relapse and implode, please don't consider that a failure of 12 step programs. It is only a failure on my part to put the program into continuous practice.
That said, I have had longer period of continuous sobriety in my past and am blessed to be clean right now. I am currently working (reworking) the first step. "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable." I've known this is true, in some sense, my whole life but truly accepting this as a fact of my existence has been much harder.
The farm life, and its therapeutic power, has a huge positive effect on both my bipolar treatment and my addiction recovery. I've recently been working in the garden and getting my hands dirty has been a really grounding experience this year. "Humility", a key concept in recovery, is connected to the farm life for me in many ways. The word humility is connected to the Latin word for soil, humus. Humus, in Latin, means "of the earth". It is implied that "of the earth" is distinct from "of the heavens" which is where the Gods reside. When I work in the soil, in my garden, or when I work with the animals, I am learning about humility. My part is to plant the seed, to till the soil, hoe the weeds, and water the plants. The miracle comes when this whole process results in a bountiful harvest. It is a deeply spiritual practice for me. The Benedictines have a motto, To pray is to work, and to work is to pray. Orare est Laborare, Laborare est Orare. For me, that prayerful work is hear on the farm. And that prayerful work is an essential part of my recovery from both addiction and bipolar disorder.
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