a period of calm and then...

I've had a really balanced few weeks.  I've been sleeping better than I have at any time in the last 20 years.  My was is amazed.  I think I slept through the night every night for over two weeks. 

I quit caffeine altogether, switched one medication from morning to evening and one from evening to morning, got some exercise, ate well, and watched my sleep hygiene.  All of these changes have leveled my mood considerably.  I've felt really, well, normal.  I wistfully miss the highs, but I don't miss the depression, anxiety, and mania.

I went on a really enjoyable vacation with my family, extended family, and friends.  We went fishing and camping on the Oregon coast.  Ordinarily this would completely activate my "social phobia."  It really did not.  I felt a little anxious and overwhelmed at times, but nothing like a full blown panic attack.  But alas, it did catch up to me after we were back.

I became emotionally shut down, depressed, and irritable.  I was snarly with everyone.  Today I became so depressed that I hid under the covers and was sure I'd never come out.  Depression feels as if it's going to last forever.  I felt like I was drowning in molasses.  My mind was racing in slow motion.  Going over and over all the things that had to get done right away and that I was incapable of doing.  Shear the sheep, milk the goats, fix the fence, load the hay.  Too much to do to be lying in bed in the middle of the day.

My wife came in and urged me to go for a walk.  This, of course, would have been a great way to snap out of a depression, exercise always is, but I just couldn't do it.  "Well, at least milk the goats", she said.  So after she had left, I crawled out of bed and got ready to do evening milking chores.  Seeing the goats, who were excited to see me, made me feel a little better.  Getting one goat finished.  Cleaned up, milked, cared for, petted, scratched behind the ears, and put to bed made me feel even better.  By the end of the second goat I was feeling like I might survive after all. 

After finishing with the animal chores, I took a hot bath and a nice shave. Complete with aftershave.  Definitely feeling like I would make it through the night.

I doubt I am through with this period of depression.  But what I am sure of is that these simple chores and actions snapped me out of it for long enough to get a little perspective.  To feel just a little bit better for long enough to see that depression is not a permanent condition.  Tonight, at least, will be a little better than it would have been had I just stayed in bed perseverating about shearing sheep. 

Tonight I will again, stay off the caffeine, take my medications at their appropriate times, and work on proper sleep hygiene.  Hopefully I'll get a good night's sleep and be ready to welcome a new day no matter what it may bring.

And yes, I caught the smallest of the halibut at the coast.  But I loved it.  Matty, my youngest, caught the largest.