a period of calm and then...

I've had a really balanced few weeks.  I've been sleeping better than I have at any time in the last 20 years.  My was is amazed.  I think I slept through the night every night for over two weeks. 

I quit caffeine altogether, switched one medication from morning to evening and one from evening to morning, got some exercise, ate well, and watched my sleep hygiene.  All of these changes have leveled my mood considerably.  I've felt really, well, normal.  I wistfully miss the highs, but I don't miss the depression, anxiety, and mania.

I went on a really enjoyable vacation with my family, extended family, and friends.  We went fishing and camping on the Oregon coast.  Ordinarily this would completely activate my "social phobia."  It really did not.  I felt a little anxious and overwhelmed at times, but nothing like a full blown panic attack.  But alas, it did catch up to me after we were back.

I became emotionally shut down, depressed, and irritable.  I was snarly with everyone.  Today I became so depressed that I hid under the covers and was sure I'd never come out.  Depression feels as if it's going to last forever.  I felt like I was drowning in molasses.  My mind was racing in slow motion.  Going over and over all the things that had to get done right away and that I was incapable of doing.  Shear the sheep, milk the goats, fix the fence, load the hay.  Too much to do to be lying in bed in the middle of the day.

My wife came in and urged me to go for a walk.  This, of course, would have been a great way to snap out of a depression, exercise always is, but I just couldn't do it.  "Well, at least milk the goats", she said.  So after she had left, I crawled out of bed and got ready to do evening milking chores.  Seeing the goats, who were excited to see me, made me feel a little better.  Getting one goat finished.  Cleaned up, milked, cared for, petted, scratched behind the ears, and put to bed made me feel even better.  By the end of the second goat I was feeling like I might survive after all. 

After finishing with the animal chores, I took a hot bath and a nice shave. Complete with aftershave.  Definitely feeling like I would make it through the night.

I doubt I am through with this period of depression.  But what I am sure of is that these simple chores and actions snapped me out of it for long enough to get a little perspective.  To feel just a little bit better for long enough to see that depression is not a permanent condition.  Tonight, at least, will be a little better than it would have been had I just stayed in bed perseverating about shearing sheep. 

Tonight I will again, stay off the caffeine, take my medications at their appropriate times, and work on proper sleep hygiene.  Hopefully I'll get a good night's sleep and be ready to welcome a new day no matter what it may bring.

And yes, I caught the smallest of the halibut at the coast.  But I loved it.  Matty, my youngest, caught the largest.

Relapse...and recovery

Relapse doesn't have to be a part of recovery, but in my story it is.  I didn't want to write and leave the mistaken impression that I have a million years of clean time because I don't.  I had a relapse this year with heartbreaking results.

Addiction and bipolar disorder frequently go hand in hand.  They certainly do for me.  Bipolar disorder does not make it impossible to remain continuously abstinent, but it certainly doesn't help matters.

Relapse, for me, is a deep, dark, underwater cave.  It feels like I'm drowning, and I can't reach the surface for air.   When I relapse, I frequently stop taking my medications.  Even if I try to take the medication, they don't work very well in concert with alcohol and other substances.  The end result is some very erratic, sometimes dangerous behavior.  I just get crazy in a really scary way.  In a hurry.

I've chosen to make my (recovery) stand in 12 step programs.  I'm in no way a good example of the message of hope the program offers.  If I should relapse and implode, please don't consider that a failure of 12 step programs.  It is only a failure on my part to put the program into continuous practice.

That said, I have had longer period of continuous sobriety in my past and am blessed to be clean right now.  I am currently working (reworking) the first step.  "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable."  I've known this is true, in some sense, my whole life but truly accepting this as a fact of my existence has been much harder.

The farm life, and its therapeutic power, has a huge positive effect on both my bipolar treatment and my addiction recovery.  I've recently been working in the garden and getting my hands dirty has been a really grounding experience this year.  "Humility", a key concept in recovery, is connected to the farm life for me in many ways.  The word humility is connected to the Latin word for soil, humus.  Humus, in Latin, means "of the earth".  It is implied that "of the earth" is distinct from "of the heavens" which is where the Gods reside.  When I work in the soil, in my garden, or when I work with the animals, I am learning about humility.  My part is to plant the seed, to till the soil, hoe the weeds, and water the plants.  The miracle comes when this whole process results in a bountiful harvest.  It is a deeply spiritual practice for me.  The Benedictines have a motto, To pray is to work, and to work is to pray.  Orare est Laborare, Laborare est Orare.  For me, that prayerful work is hear on the farm.  And that prayerful work is an essential part of my recovery from both addiction and bipolar disorder.

cyclothymia

While there is no doubt that I fall fully on the bipolar spectrum, I am currently experiencing a form of cyclothymia.  Cyclothymia is a form of mild or subthreshold bipolar disorder.  Instead of cycling from full blown manic to major depressive episodes, in cyclothymia the fluctuation is from hypomania to mild depression.  I have been on a mild mood cycle all week.  I feel good in the morning, hypomanic in the afternoon, and mildly depressed in the evening.

While cycling of this sort still allows me to be fairly functional, it is exhausting after a week of it.  By evening I am overwhelmed by life and having a feeling of impending doom.  Well, not doom exactly, more like...nothing's ever going to work out so why bother trying any more.  And from that feeling it is easy to move on to, "since nothing's ever going to work out, why not get drunk."  Obviously, getting drunk is not the answer, but it is hard to see what the answer might be.

At this juncture it is important to step up the basics.  Take the positive actions that are fairly obvious.

1.  Step up meeting attendance
2.  Eat right
3.  Exercise
4.  Talk to somebody
5.  Do the dishes

You can stay sober and reasonably sane for a long time by simply focusing on small victories.  Victories like going to bed with a clean kitchen.  Showering and shaving, complete with aftershave, is another tried and true for me.  If you don't have bipolar disorder or you're not an addict, doing the dishes may seem like a trivial task.  On some days doing the dishes can be a lifesaver for me.

The other basics I mentioned, meetings, eating, exercising, and sharing, all seem about as straightforward as the dishes...right?   Well, they are straightforward in a way, but when you are feeling depressed and that your world is spiraling downward, the telephone can seem to weigh a hundred pounds.  Or getting in the car and driving to a meeting can seem like an impossible journey.

And really that's what this whole bipolar recovering addict thing is.  An incredible journey.  Just like the Disney movie, only way weirder.