Writing

It is so hard to write when I'm not having regular manic episodes.  The "loss" of creativity is often cited by bipolar folks as a good reason to stop taking their medications.  Bipolar folks are frequently very creative.  You know the mad artist or musician.  Van Gogh, Edgar Allen Poe, Mozart.  A good read on this is Kay Jamison's "Touched with Fire".  It's kind of grandiose to think that I'm anything like these guys, but still, sometimes I feel like being bipolar has fueled my creativity.  Not only has it been hard to write, I haven't been playing guitar either. 

I'm doing great on the current medication regimen.  Lithium in particular seems to be helping a great deal.  The two months preceding my alcohol relapse were hell.  One manic episode after another.  No one in the house knew what the heck I would feel like, who I might be, from day to day.  I finally got off the Paxil, which was incredibly difficult, and onto a higher dose of lithium.  The Paxil may have been solving several problems, but it also may have been precipitating manic episodes. 

The other problem that the Paxil had was that I couldn't seem to cry.  Or at least not very often.  I know crying doesn't seem like much of a plus, but when you haven't done it in ages, it is such a relief when it happens.  Anyway, now I cry frequently.  At first it was uncomfortable and weird.  I'd be in church listening to the sermon and just start crying for no particular reason.  Just now I was reading a book, "Carry On Warrior" by Glennen Doyle Melton, and just couldn't finish the chapter I was crying so hard.  It felt good to cry at a sad book.  It just feels good to be more emotionally alive.

So, why if I'm feeling more emotionally alive in some ways, do I feel as if my creativity is decreased?  Just a hunch.  Lithium has a reputation for this.  Maybe I just need to force myself to pick up the pen or the guitar.

And that's my resolution for the day.  To do some writing and play some guitar.