Sadness is not the same as clinical depression

I've been sad the last couple of days.  We are moving into town, have sold all the animals, and are wrapping things up out here in the country.  Not that we are moving to a New York City or anything.  Just down the road into a nearby small town.  But still, it is a huge change in lifestyle for us.  I was packing books yesterday and packed up all my books on farming, market gardening, homesteading, and animal husbandry.  I felt sad about the animals I had sold and about the goat I had to put down earlier this year.  Sad that I would not be there to watch my goats kid this Spring.  Sad that I was letting go of this chapter in my life.

But sadness is not the same as clinical depression.  It does not need to be avoided or treated.  I do not need to drink over it or use over it or even to go see my psychiatrist over it.  It's normal to feel sad when life presents you with saddening events.  It's OK.

I felt refreshed tonight at a meeting where a friend of mine celebrated 11 years of continuous clean time.  Life goes on and it is good.  It'll be a blessing to me to move into town and be closer to meetings.  Closer to my friends in recovery.  I'll be able to go out for a cup of tea with my NA sponsor without having to drive for an hour and a half.  We won't have to spend half the day driving kids into town.  And we won't spend half our income on gasoline.

As sad as it is to leave farming, it is the right thing to do.  It is the right time to do it.  I feared the change.  I feared it so much that I used it as an excuse to drink.  A pretty sorry excuse but there you go.  I'm not fearing the change as much now.  I'll find new avenues to channel my energies.  I'll certainly still be able to grow a garden.  Maybe I'll get back into soap making.  Maybe I'll make more sausage.  I'll have to buy pork in bulk rather than butchering my own, but I might have more time for crafts like that.

As much as I miss the goats, it is nice to not have to milk them every single day in sub-zero temperatures.  I've been milking goats and caring for animals every day for years.

Grieving is a part of life.  Things pass, things are lost, things change.  Yes, I am sad.  But I welcome the sadness.  At least I'm not numb.  At least I'm not sitting drunk and alone in a crappy motel room.  As sad as this change is, I still feel incredibly blessed.

Med change...again

Well, the favorite of bipolar folks everywhere.  Time to make a change in medication.  This has been happening far too often this year.  Anyway, I'm coming off of Abilify, an expensive atypical antipsychotic, and either cutting it out completely or switching to a cheaper drug from the same family.  I don't seem to be experiencing much difficulty except maybe a little change in the racing thoughts department.  It is hard to tell though as I am traveling and going to family holiday parties.  Traveling and holiday parties can cause racing thoughts for me all by themselves. 

One problem with living with medication is that they can lose effectiveness over time.  Something that worked great in the beginning, can stop working after a while.  Or side effects can become problematic. 

Racing thoughts are not my friend.  They rarely race in a positive direction.  Usually they go something like this.  "I'm not good enough, I'll never succeed, I'll always feel THIS way, nothing will ever change."  Of course, I am good enough, I frequently succeed, feeling come and go, and things are always changing. 

How do I counteract these negative, racing thoughts?  Prayer, meetings, meditation, and serving others.  Getting active doing something positive.  I prayed a lot last night.  I was staying with some relatives.  My wife was asleep in our bedroom.  My sister-in-law was asleep in the living room.  And I had insomnia.  Nowhere to hang out and nothing to do.  So, I lay in the dark praying and trying to sleep.  Tonight is slightly better.  I'm having insomnia in the hotel lobby while everybody sleeps. 

We have a long drive tomorrow going home.  It'll be good to be home.  Now I just need to get some sleep so I can help with the driving.

Writing

It is so hard to write when I'm not having regular manic episodes.  The "loss" of creativity is often cited by bipolar folks as a good reason to stop taking their medications.  Bipolar folks are frequently very creative.  You know the mad artist or musician.  Van Gogh, Edgar Allen Poe, Mozart.  A good read on this is Kay Jamison's "Touched with Fire".  It's kind of grandiose to think that I'm anything like these guys, but still, sometimes I feel like being bipolar has fueled my creativity.  Not only has it been hard to write, I haven't been playing guitar either. 

I'm doing great on the current medication regimen.  Lithium in particular seems to be helping a great deal.  The two months preceding my alcohol relapse were hell.  One manic episode after another.  No one in the house knew what the heck I would feel like, who I might be, from day to day.  I finally got off the Paxil, which was incredibly difficult, and onto a higher dose of lithium.  The Paxil may have been solving several problems, but it also may have been precipitating manic episodes. 

The other problem that the Paxil had was that I couldn't seem to cry.  Or at least not very often.  I know crying doesn't seem like much of a plus, but when you haven't done it in ages, it is such a relief when it happens.  Anyway, now I cry frequently.  At first it was uncomfortable and weird.  I'd be in church listening to the sermon and just start crying for no particular reason.  Just now I was reading a book, "Carry On Warrior" by Glennen Doyle Melton, and just couldn't finish the chapter I was crying so hard.  It felt good to cry at a sad book.  It just feels good to be more emotionally alive.

So, why if I'm feeling more emotionally alive in some ways, do I feel as if my creativity is decreased?  Just a hunch.  Lithium has a reputation for this.  Maybe I just need to force myself to pick up the pen or the guitar.

And that's my resolution for the day.  To do some writing and play some guitar.