Relapse...and recovery

Relapse doesn't have to be a part of recovery, but in my story it is.  I didn't want to write and leave the mistaken impression that I have a million years of clean time because I don't.  I had a relapse this year with heartbreaking results.

Addiction and bipolar disorder frequently go hand in hand.  They certainly do for me.  Bipolar disorder does not make it impossible to remain continuously abstinent, but it certainly doesn't help matters.

Relapse, for me, is a deep, dark, underwater cave.  It feels like I'm drowning, and I can't reach the surface for air.   When I relapse, I frequently stop taking my medications.  Even if I try to take the medication, they don't work very well in concert with alcohol and other substances.  The end result is some very erratic, sometimes dangerous behavior.  I just get crazy in a really scary way.  In a hurry.

I've chosen to make my (recovery) stand in 12 step programs.  I'm in no way a good example of the message of hope the program offers.  If I should relapse and implode, please don't consider that a failure of 12 step programs.  It is only a failure on my part to put the program into continuous practice.

That said, I have had longer period of continuous sobriety in my past and am blessed to be clean right now.  I am currently working (reworking) the first step.  "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable."  I've known this is true, in some sense, my whole life but truly accepting this as a fact of my existence has been much harder.

The farm life, and its therapeutic power, has a huge positive effect on both my bipolar treatment and my addiction recovery.  I've recently been working in the garden and getting my hands dirty has been a really grounding experience this year.  "Humility", a key concept in recovery, is connected to the farm life for me in many ways.  The word humility is connected to the Latin word for soil, humus.  Humus, in Latin, means "of the earth".  It is implied that "of the earth" is distinct from "of the heavens" which is where the Gods reside.  When I work in the soil, in my garden, or when I work with the animals, I am learning about humility.  My part is to plant the seed, to till the soil, hoe the weeds, and water the plants.  The miracle comes when this whole process results in a bountiful harvest.  It is a deeply spiritual practice for me.  The Benedictines have a motto, To pray is to work, and to work is to pray.  Orare est Laborare, Laborare est Orare.  For me, that prayerful work is hear on the farm.  And that prayerful work is an essential part of my recovery from both addiction and bipolar disorder.

cyclothymia

While there is no doubt that I fall fully on the bipolar spectrum, I am currently experiencing a form of cyclothymia.  Cyclothymia is a form of mild or subthreshold bipolar disorder.  Instead of cycling from full blown manic to major depressive episodes, in cyclothymia the fluctuation is from hypomania to mild depression.  I have been on a mild mood cycle all week.  I feel good in the morning, hypomanic in the afternoon, and mildly depressed in the evening.

While cycling of this sort still allows me to be fairly functional, it is exhausting after a week of it.  By evening I am overwhelmed by life and having a feeling of impending doom.  Well, not doom exactly, more like...nothing's ever going to work out so why bother trying any more.  And from that feeling it is easy to move on to, "since nothing's ever going to work out, why not get drunk."  Obviously, getting drunk is not the answer, but it is hard to see what the answer might be.

At this juncture it is important to step up the basics.  Take the positive actions that are fairly obvious.

1.  Step up meeting attendance
2.  Eat right
3.  Exercise
4.  Talk to somebody
5.  Do the dishes

You can stay sober and reasonably sane for a long time by simply focusing on small victories.  Victories like going to bed with a clean kitchen.  Showering and shaving, complete with aftershave, is another tried and true for me.  If you don't have bipolar disorder or you're not an addict, doing the dishes may seem like a trivial task.  On some days doing the dishes can be a lifesaver for me.

The other basics I mentioned, meetings, eating, exercising, and sharing, all seem about as straightforward as the dishes...right?   Well, they are straightforward in a way, but when you are feeling depressed and that your world is spiraling downward, the telephone can seem to weigh a hundred pounds.  Or getting in the car and driving to a meeting can seem like an impossible journey.

And really that's what this whole bipolar recovering addict thing is.  An incredible journey.  Just like the Disney movie, only way weirder.  

Volunteerism/Feeding Your Soul

I went to a new psychiatrist today.  She seemed very competent.  Aside from the usual conversation about the "med-go-round" we talked about getting involved in something off the farm to "feed my soul".  We discussed possibly working or volunteering as a special education tutor.  That sounds cool, although as soon as I start making commitments like that the stress level goes up as I worry about actually showing up.  Part of the reason I'm on disability in the first place.

The other idea we discussed is a place called "Clover Haven" near my house that provides "Equine Therapy" to special needs young people in our area.  Equine Therapy is the use of horses in a variety of ways to reach cognitively or emotionally disabled young people.  Anything from grooming to riding. 

I don't know much about horses, but  I am used to large animals, and, of course, I am trained and experienced with special needs students.  I think it sounds really cool.  I think I'll make a phone call tomorrow.  It might be something off the farm that "feeds my soul".

self-examination

"We examined our lives and discovered who we really are.  To be truly humble is to accept and honestly try to be ourselves...I can experience the freedom to be myself, the person my God intended me to be."
Just For Today

Accepting that I am an addict and always will be, accepting that I have bi-polar and always will has been a long process.  I was like going through the various stages of the grieving process as proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.  The steps are, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I spent a lot of time in denial of both my addiction and my bi-polar disorder.  In some ways it's like peeling the skin of an onion.  I thought I had accepted my bi-polar disorder completely until I applied for Social Security Disability and realized that I may never work as a teacher again.  I had so much of my identity wrapped up in my teaching that it was really hard to admit to myself that the bipolar disorder was ending that career.  As for addiction, we all have heard about denial related to the acceptance of addiction, and I certainly went through that as well.

The long process of accepting myself and learning to love myself has been a journey I've been on my entire adult life.  When I say that I accept myself today and am free to be the person God intended me to be, it sounds like I've arrived at some cosmic, spiritual plateau.  This is certainly not the case.  I have a lot more to learn and accept about myself.  There are many things about  myself I'd like to work on and improve on. 

Learning to live a fulfilling life with bipolar involves learning to accept that it is a part of who I am.  I learn to accept the help of a psychiatrist.  I learn that I will be on medication for the rest of my life.  I learn that I have to structure my life in a way that minimizes episodes of bipolar symptoms.  It means accepting my limitations...and my strengths.

And there are strengths.  I am happy with who I am and the life I've led.  And that life has been born out of my personality as a recovering addict with bipolar disorder.  I've had some incredible adventures that have come as a result of my bipolar spontaneity.  I wouldn't trade it all for a life of...of what?...sanity?

Caffeine addiction

I quite drinking caffeine five days ago.  It was contributing to my insomnia and fueling my mania.  I have no moral problem with caffeine just as I have no moral problem with alcohol or other drugs.  I just know that I can't have a safe relationship with any of them.  Including caffeine, apparently.  A cup of coffee a day might not have been much of a problem, but staying up all night drinking quarts of iced tea was just like banging myself in the head with a frying pan.

So, in any event, I quit drinking the stuff.  I felt miserable for several long, long days.  I did start sleeping though.  I had headaches, stomach aches, a small fever, and was extremely irritable.  Another difficulty I had with the caffeine withdrawals was that they felt reminiscent to alcohol and drug withdrawals.  This is always a tricky spot for me as my mind likes to play tricks.  I might think, for example, "gee, these are withdrawals.  What is the appropriate response to withdrawal symptoms?  More drugs, of course.  Coffee, alcohol, pills...anything would work just as long as the withdrawal symptoms stop."  What could be more logical, right?  Except that for me it is pretzel logic.  The appropriate answer to withdrawal symptoms is total abstinence from the drug (s) you are addicted to.  And as for me, I happen to be addicted to just about every form of mind or mood altering substance. 

As you might expect, the caffeine withdrawals stopped eventually and I feel quite well.  In fact, I feel better than I did before because I am not staying awake all night feeding the mania machine.  In fact, after a pleasant 8+ hours of sleep last night I feel downright balanced.  Balance is something unusual in my life.  Normal just doesn't quite feel normal. 

Today I am trying to make a new cheese.  Havarti.  It doesn't look imposable but there are certainly a lot of different steps.  I'm making a goat's milk Feta at the same time, but that is pretty routine.  Making cheese seems to be a part of my daily and weekly routine.  And now that that routine doesn't involve quarts of iced tea every day, I feel much more balanced and at peace.  For today, at least, I am neither manic nor depressed, and I am clean and sober off of both caffeine and other even more dangerous substances.  And that makes it a very good day indeed.

Isolating vs. Alone Time

I find social settings emotionally draining.  So much so that I've been diagnosed as having "social phobia" for what that's worth.  On the other hand, isolating myself is also not healthy.  As with anything, striking a balance is the key.

I love the idea of being around people.  I  always want to plan big dinner parties and invite everyone I can think of. I really enjoy cooking for a crowd. Problem is, when the cooking is done and the guests arrive, I want to hide in the bedroom.  Sometimes I actually do hide in the bedroom.  So I try to order my social time in a way that is more manageable and enjoyable.  It seems to work best to have a couple of guests over than to have 10 or 20 people over.  I try to drive my own car to dinner parties and events to make sure I can leave when I'm ready to without inconveniencing my wife.  I try to plan on only spending moderate amounts of time in crowds.

I also try to moderate my family time.  I do this by building "alone" time into my  day.  I really enjoy getting a few minutes in the evening after everyone goes to bed or a few minutes in the morning before everyone wakes up.  I don't always succeed in finding this alone time, but it is important to try.

Time alone, whether around the house or in the hiking in the mountains is so important.  It can be a time for prayer, reflection, meditation, journaling, or reading.  And, of course, sometimes it is just a time to noodle around on the internet.

Taking too much time alone is also not helpful to my recovery from bipolar disorder or addiction.  It's a dangerous place to be...in between my ears. A couple of times recently I have taken my evening alone time to the extreme and stayed up most of the night.  This is so hard on the bipolar in a couple of different ways.  Staying up all night is definitely too much alone time.  Staying up all night is a sign that my bipolar is getting out of control.  And staying up all night tends to induce further symptoms.  It can cause my mood to enter a mixed state.  Negativity, irritability, excitability, and hyperactivity.  It feels like drinking way too much caffeine, without the caffeine.

Speaking of caffeine, in an effort to regain control of my sleep patterns, I recently quit drinking caffeine...again.  I really enjoy a little caffeine, but it never really works out that way.  I always end up drinking too much of it and having trouble sleeping.  We'll see how that goes.  I'm currently still in the withdrawal stage.  Yuck.

Well, blessings and goodnight...I hope.

Hypocritical?

It’s kind of funny, or at least it would be if I weren’t  so tired and frustrated.  It is easy for me to write about techniques for staying healthy.  It’s easy to write about how great everything is.  But  fact is, I’m having some fairly significant symptoms concerning my bipolar disorder.  Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that some of my behaviors are off the mark. 

I haven’t been sleeping, and I have been using caffeine.  It’s been like this  all week. I’ve been averaging about three to four hours of sleep a night. Today I had to make a two hundred mile drive and I got sleepy behind the wheel.  So, of course, I drank a 20 ounce truck stop  coffee.  It didn’t keep me awake behind the wheel.  I still ended up pulling off the road and taking a nap.  But boy is it keeping me awake now.  It’s now 2:30 am and I’m wide awake. 

I know what to do to address the situation.  I just don’t seem to be able to do it.  As tough as insomnia can be, the treatment is, at least, fairly straightforward.  Establishing good sleep hygiene can be incredibly hard to do.  My day has almost been the opposite of the list provided in the “sleep hygiene” link. 

Caffeine and nicotine-yup.

Naps-yup

Spicy food-oops guess I shouldn’t have just eaten that jalepeno omelet.

Exercise-nope, not today.  Spent  all day in the car.

Regular, relaxing bedtime routine-actually my routine has been to crank up the rock-and-roll and dance around the kitchen doing dishes.  Not exactly a relaxing bedtime routine, but at least the dishes are getting done.

Tough part about addressing my sleep hygiene and getting to bed is that I enjoy staying up.  Some nights I enjoy staying up clear through. The problem lies in the consequences of not sleeping.  There is always a reckoning.  When the reckoning comes it is not just me who pays the price but my family as well.  When I finally do crash, I am not able to participate in family life.  Not able to be a good parent or partner.  Ultimately poor decision making in the sleep department can lead to significantly for serious bipolar symptoms later.

All this said, it is important to remember one of the most important positive behaviors for treating the bipolar is not to beat myself up. I need to remember that bipolar is an illness and that my symptoms are just that.  Symptoms.  Getting angry at myself doesn’t help anything.  I am responsible for my choices and behavior, but it is important to remember that poor decision making is part of the disorder.

Well, blessings and good night.