Relapse and Recovery

I relapsed.  On alcohol.  With all its catastrophic consequences.  I almost lost my family and next time, if there is a next time, I will.  I suppose there are a million excuses I might give for why I relapsed, but the honest truth is that I just like to get high.  Problem is, I don't like the consequences.  Among other problems, there is the fact that once I start it is almost impossible for me to stop. 

I made several obvious mistakes leading up to the relapse.  I stopped going to meetings, I isolated myself from friends, I isolated myself from my wife and family, I stopped praying.

Luckily I only drank for four days or so.  On the last day, I sat in the cheapest motel in town, glass in hand, and prayed.  In addition to praying, I had also talked to my psychiatrist and my wife.  I had reached out for help.  I dumped out the booze.

In short order, after I had stopped, there was a whirlwind of Positive activity.  I went to a meeting and admitted that I had relapsed.  I got out of the motel and into a basement apartment in the home of some members of my church.  I went to a meeting with my wife, my psychiatrist, and a couples counselor.  I jumped back into recovery with renewed vigor.  I jumped into my relationship with my wife with renewed vigor.  And I ramped up the therapy with my psychiatrist.

Interestingly, this whole mess has produced a renewed closeness with my wife.  We are planning to renew our wedding vows.  With a twist.  One of those vows will be that if I drink again, it will mean the end of our marriage.  Our new vows will be a definition of what each of us will be bringing to the table, and of what each of us expects the other to bring to the table.

I am filled with gratitude.  Not for having drank.  But for the unexpected shakeup in my life and marriage.  I am feeling a deep sense of joy and gratitude because I am still alive and that I get another chance to stay that way.

cyclothymia

While there is no doubt that I fall fully on the bipolar spectrum, I am currently experiencing a form of cyclothymia.  Cyclothymia is a form of mild or subthreshold bipolar disorder.  Instead of cycling from full blown manic to major depressive episodes, in cyclothymia the fluctuation is from hypomania to mild depression.  I have been on a mild mood cycle all week.  I feel good in the morning, hypomanic in the afternoon, and mildly depressed in the evening.

While cycling of this sort still allows me to be fairly functional, it is exhausting after a week of it.  By evening I am overwhelmed by life and having a feeling of impending doom.  Well, not doom exactly, more like...nothing's ever going to work out so why bother trying any more.  And from that feeling it is easy to move on to, "since nothing's ever going to work out, why not get drunk."  Obviously, getting drunk is not the answer, but it is hard to see what the answer might be.

At this juncture it is important to step up the basics.  Take the positive actions that are fairly obvious.

1.  Step up meeting attendance
2.  Eat right
3.  Exercise
4.  Talk to somebody
5.  Do the dishes

You can stay sober and reasonably sane for a long time by simply focusing on small victories.  Victories like going to bed with a clean kitchen.  Showering and shaving, complete with aftershave, is another tried and true for me.  If you don't have bipolar disorder or you're not an addict, doing the dishes may seem like a trivial task.  On some days doing the dishes can be a lifesaver for me.

The other basics I mentioned, meetings, eating, exercising, and sharing, all seem about as straightforward as the dishes...right?   Well, they are straightforward in a way, but when you are feeling depressed and that your world is spiraling downward, the telephone can seem to weigh a hundred pounds.  Or getting in the car and driving to a meeting can seem like an impossible journey.

And really that's what this whole bipolar recovering addict thing is.  An incredible journey.  Just like the Disney movie, only way weirder.  

Welcome Home

I've had bi-polar disorder for as long as I can remember.  I've also been described as a chronic alcoholic.  The combination of these two conditions has shaped my life.  I've never been able to "beat" these conditions on my own. 

By working the twelve steps of Narcotics Anonymous and meeting attendance, I have had some measure of success in remaining abstinent from booze and drugs.

With  the help of an understanding psychiatrist, medication management, and lifestyle changes, I had some measure of success in surviving the bi-polar disorder.  In fact, I am not only surviving mental illness, I am living an incredibly full and rewarding life.

That is not to say that life is not without significant struggles with both mental illness and substance abuse.  It's just that I have been blessed to have found a way  to live with these conditions.

I have found that the homesteading and small farming lifestyle that I have chosen is both rewarding in it's own right, but also a major component in my treatment of my dual diagnosis mental illness.