Go gently...

I don't know how ready I am to write about this.

I've had a big Saanan wether for about five years now.  He's been a great goat.  He never had any economic value.  He's always just been kind of a pet.  A companion.  When I was having a rough day, or if I just needed to take some time to get grounded I would go out to the goat pasture and sit with him.  He had all kinds of funny expressions.  He would nuzzle up against my shoulders and try to eat the buttons off my favorite shirts.  We named him Caspian after Prince Caspian in the Narnia series.

 

Problem was, Caspian always had a genetic issue with his knees and legs.  It would come and go, and we would always wonder whether this was the time we should finally put him down.  He didn't seem to be in a great deal of pain, but it was hard to see a 200 pound goat crawling around on his knees.

 

When we decided to put him down, I sobbed.  It took a couple of more days to find the time to take care of it and I was overcome by emotion several more times.  I was a little frustrated with myself.  This is a farm after all.  Farm animals come and go.  It's probably best not to get too emotionally attached to them.  He's just a smelly, crippled, old goat after all.  How hard should this be?  But somehow this was different than sending a beef cow to the butcher.  He was my buddy.

 

And so the time came.  A few rough caresses.  A little treat in the grain bucket.  A quick goodbye.  And a .32 caliber bullet to the head.

 

Goodbye Caspian my old friend.  Go gently into that good night.

SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome

That's a fancy term for, "I got off of Paxil and survived."  Holy cats that was rough.  I've had some wicked alcohol and benzo withdrawals, but getting off of Paxil was by far the worst I've ever experienced.

Paxil, like Prozac, is a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor. (SSRI)   It is used commonly to treat depression and anxiety.  In my case, social anxiety.  After discussing the possibility that the Paxil was triggering manic episodes, my doctor and I agreed to try to taper off the drug.  Wow.

Nausea, vomiting, dramatic weight loss, loss of appetite, severe dizziness, fainting, mild hallucinations, and my favorite, waves of electric shock travelling down my extremities.

Not only that, it lasted for almost a month.  I lost 15 pounds.  I slept mostly on the couch because I didn't want to keep my wife and baby up all night.

Not only that, the dehydration caused by the nausea and vomiting spiked my recently increased Lithium levels and I had borderline Lithium toxicity.

Anyway, 6 weeks later I am starting to feel better.  I wouldn't say I'm feeling "normal" because I don't even know what normal feels like anymore.  I've been on Paxil for almost 15 years and being off of it is extremely emotionally intense. 

The new normal is that my emotions are right at the surface.  All of them.  I'm happy, elated, excited, angry, irritable, sad, confused, all right at the surface.  I start crying fifteen times a day.  I feel ready to snarl and snap at the kids at the least provocation.  But there is a flip side.  It is so refreshing to feel so in touch with my emotions again.  It feels like I've been comfortably numb for fifteen years.  It feels like waking up from a light sleep.

I have a standing order from my psychiatrist to try a newer generation SSRI.  She's not pushing the issue, but it is clear that she would recommend it.  For today, at least, I'm not ready to start a new drug.  I don't seem to be having any clear cut signs of depression.  I'm on plenty of other medications that have anti-depressant qualities.  I have moments that look a little like depression, but they seem to pass fairly quickly.  I'm taking a wait and see attitude and watching to see what the NEW NORMAL looks like.