The kitchen is very, very clean...

It's three am.  I've watched a movie, listened to two entire Grateful Dead concerts, and cleaned the kitchen until it shines.  I feel GREAT!  Unfortunately, for folks with bipolar disorder great is a mixed blessing.  Any departure from a baseline mood is likely to create waves for days to come.  Will my mood, as it did two weeks ago, suddenly turn into mania or will I crash into a mild to moderate depression? 

I'm sad about leaving my farm in Idaho.  There is so much I had hoped to do there.  Maybe start a CSA,   continue to sell artisan cheeses at the Farmers Market, or work on selling more hogs.  All those dreams are on hold right now.  Farming has turned from a budding enterprise into a hobby.  A therapeutic hobby to be sure, but that's not really how I envisioned things going.  I'm discouraged.

On the other hand, I'm not discouraged about how many of the other areas of my life are going.  I feel like my recovery and bipolar control are going extremely well.  I rarely think about drinking.  My bipolar symptoms are largely under control despite tonight's hypomania.  My family life is wonderful.  I'm making new friends here in Oregon.  I am so grateful for all that I do have.  I feel truly blessed.  When I'm in a better frame of mind, I get the feeling that we are right where we are supposed to be at this particular moment in time.

When I think about what's really important, I guess I don't have much to complain about.  Now I just have to try to get a little sleep.

Manic Episode

I hadn't been writing much on the blog.  After all, there hadn't been much to write about.  I'd been going along doing quite well.  Sleeping right.  Eating right.  My mood had been stable.  More stable than it had been in a long time in fact.  Then Bam!

I don't know what all of the "triggers" for the episode were, but letting my program of self-care go a little bit was one of the triggers for sure.

My wife left town for a couple of days.  Friday night I fell asleep on the couch and forgot to take my evening meds.  In the morning, I somehow rationalized that this would be a good opportunity to drink a whole bunch of caffeine.  So I started hitting the iced tea and triple iced espressos.  By the time evening rolled around I was feeling so good, so hypomanic, that I didn't want to take my evening meds again.  I guess I was figuring they would bring down the ecstatic mood I was in.  Then it turned on a dime and morphed into a full blown mania.  Complete with agitation, feelings of impending doom, panic, paranoia, and yes even mild delusions.  I was watching the two older boys, but by this time they were asleep.  I was feeling like I was incapable of being a responisible parent should there be some emergency although was probably not the case in reality.  I was wondering if I should call a friend to come over to be with me.  I was feeling like perhaps I should take a ride in to the hospital to come down.  I was feeling as if the episode would never end although I know that they always end.  Knowing that I was out of control I began reaching out and connect with anyone who would listen on Facebook chat.  Why I didn't call someone on the phone I don't know.  By this time I was jumping at every little noise in the night.  Finally a friend of mine convinced me to take my meds.  He suggested drinking a bunch of water and lying down.  I finally slept for a little bit and the meds knocked the whole episode down a notch.  Sunday came and I was still pretty wrecked.  I managed to go to an NA meeting which helped.  All though Sunday I continued with a moderate mixed state mania.  Another night of two hours of sleep.  By this time I had only slept 4 hours in the last 48.  Finally on Monday morning I got a hold of my psychiatrist.  She suggested that I immediately stop drinking caffeine and dramatically increase my lithium dose.  This I did and within a couple of hours the episode was over.

This was the worst manic episode I had had in years.  I was shocked.  Only a couple of days of shoddy self-care and I was out of control.  What a wake up call.

In the aftermath the increased lithium was making me feel like a zombie, but anything was better than the mania.  Later in the week, working with my doctor, we managed to lower the dosage to where I was neither manic or a zombie.  I'm feeling pretty good, although sleeping was a little harder.

On the bright side the episode helped me recognize and reaffirm how important self care is.  I need to take care of myself especially when my wife is out of town.  I realize now how "addictive" my behavior was.  What I fine line I was walking.  In a scary way it could have easily been alcohol I was drinking instead of caffeine.

I made a nice little checklist of the 10 or so things I need to do for my bipolar and recovery self-care.

No Booze

No Drugs

No Caffeine

Moderate Nicotine

Daily exercise

Sleep hygiene

Prayer

Meditation

Meetings

Eat Right

I have another chance to cope better this weekend.  My wife is going out of town again.  I'm going to try to stick to my regimen as closely as possible.

Wish me luck!