I went to a Narcotics Anonymous men's retreat last weekend. It was amazing. The weekend consisted of a beautiful location, lots of great food, and a fireside speaker meeting. There weren't dozens of workshops and meetings to go to. Just a chance to spend time with other men who are on a spiritual path. I had the opportunity to play guitar with a friend. Had the opportunity to stay up until three talking with another man.
So what's the take away? Spending a weekend in the woods with a bunch of guys, many of whom were tough ex-cons, all of whom were ex-drug addicts. The value of the experience lay in taking time to learn to love and accept love from other men. Something our society doesn't value and certainly present many opportunities to practice.
I had a great weekend. I came home refreshed and excited to resume my life as a family man and a small farmer.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Teaching
An unexpected rush of feelings has sent me into a tailspin for the last couple of days. The first bout of depression I've had all summer.
I put on a suit and tie and went looking for some tutoring work at the local school districts. I thought I might just introduce myself to the special education teachers and drop off my business card. Somehow I ended up meeting the superintendent who practically begged me to get on the substitute teacher list and get my name known around the district. Maybe it was the suit and tie. Maybe it was being asked. Maybe it was the feeling having my services being needed in a district again.
I was a good teacher. A lot of the time I was a great teacher. For many years I felt as if teaching was my "calling". Problem was, near the end I just couldn't show up. Sometimes it was just short term bipolar symptoms that knocked me out for a day or two. Sometimes it was a more significant episode that took me out of a week or month long medical leave of absence. I couldn't keep doing that. It wasn't fair to the students, the district, or myself.
It took me a few hours, but eventually I realized that I just couldn't get back in the game. I thought I had accepted my bipolar disorder and most of the time I have. I thought I had accepted my disability diagnosis. Maybe it was that we could really use the money right now. Maybe it was the ever present societal pressure for men to work and provide. Whatever it was it knocked me out of commission.
I just couldn't accept that I wasn't going back to teaching. I'm out of that game. I thought I'd been through all of that years ago.
A couple of things snapped me back into focus. My wife and I spoke about what I am really "called" to today. It's not playing superhero as a public school special education teacher. It's not bringing down the salary. I think, or rather she thought, that it was something else. It's raising these kids. It's taking care of these animals on the farm. It's volunteering. And maybe it's carrying the message of Narcotics Anonymous to the still suffering addict and alcoholic.
And as for the finances, well, it was pointed out my a fellow NA member that I really have what's called "luxury problems." My car may be a piece of crap, but hey at least I have a car. It's paid for. It runs. I have a driver's license today. And I even have a full tank of gas. Yes, I have a lot to be grateful for. I am truly blessed.
I put on a suit and tie and went looking for some tutoring work at the local school districts. I thought I might just introduce myself to the special education teachers and drop off my business card. Somehow I ended up meeting the superintendent who practically begged me to get on the substitute teacher list and get my name known around the district. Maybe it was the suit and tie. Maybe it was being asked. Maybe it was the feeling having my services being needed in a district again.
I was a good teacher. A lot of the time I was a great teacher. For many years I felt as if teaching was my "calling". Problem was, near the end I just couldn't show up. Sometimes it was just short term bipolar symptoms that knocked me out for a day or two. Sometimes it was a more significant episode that took me out of a week or month long medical leave of absence. I couldn't keep doing that. It wasn't fair to the students, the district, or myself.
It took me a few hours, but eventually I realized that I just couldn't get back in the game. I thought I had accepted my bipolar disorder and most of the time I have. I thought I had accepted my disability diagnosis. Maybe it was that we could really use the money right now. Maybe it was the ever present societal pressure for men to work and provide. Whatever it was it knocked me out of commission.
I just couldn't accept that I wasn't going back to teaching. I'm out of that game. I thought I'd been through all of that years ago.
A couple of things snapped me back into focus. My wife and I spoke about what I am really "called" to today. It's not playing superhero as a public school special education teacher. It's not bringing down the salary. I think, or rather she thought, that it was something else. It's raising these kids. It's taking care of these animals on the farm. It's volunteering. And maybe it's carrying the message of Narcotics Anonymous to the still suffering addict and alcoholic.
And as for the finances, well, it was pointed out my a fellow NA member that I really have what's called "luxury problems." My car may be a piece of crap, but hey at least I have a car. It's paid for. It runs. I have a driver's license today. And I even have a full tank of gas. Yes, I have a lot to be grateful for. I am truly blessed.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Meaningful Work
One of the facets of working with teens that was so rewarding is that it was always clear that I was doing Meaningful Work. What I did mattered. What I did made a difference.
Since I've left teaching, I haven't had the same sense that what I am doing is somehow of service to my society and to my community. I still need that connection to meaningful work though. I've had to re-think what it means to be meaningfully engaged in the lives of those around me.
On one level there is my family and my farm. I am a husband and a father. I am raising four boys, homeschooling them, and mentoring them. That is certainly meaningful work. I also care for my animals. That involves meaningful work. Feeding, milking, and caring for the animals. As part of the "feeding" of the animals we moved 16+ tons of hay this summer. That was most certainly a lot of work. It's been three weeks since we finished and my arms still hurt.
But how can I make that connection to being meaningfully engaged in my community if I am no longer playing super-hero as a special education teacher? The answer to that, for me, lies in something I mentioned in last nights blog post. I carry a message of recovery from active addiction and from bipolar disorder into the wider community. A message of hope and a promise of freedom. Lord knows I'm no super-hero at that either, but it is through the service of carrying the message that I am able to be of service to my community. Today that is my meaningful work. Whether I am volunteering to share on an informational panel at a local treatment center, participating in a local Narcotics Anonymous meeting, answering the phone when someone calls for help, or writing this blog, I am engaged in meaningful work in my community.
Tonight's presentation on the therapeutic day school made me nostalgic about teaching, but I don't think I'm going to jump into contracted teaching again just yet. I think I might seek out a volunteer opportunity though. Maybe I could be a volunteer tutor in a local literacy program. I could probably manage a couple hours a week doing that.
Caffeine...and now tobacco
I didn't really ever plan on quitting tobacco. I love tobacco. I love growing it, chewing it, smoking fine cigars. Then we hit a financial wall and decided that tobacco just wasn't in the budget. Just like that I quit cold turkey. Of course it didn't turn out to be that simple. Just when I was thinking, "gee, this isn't all that hard", I took the change jar and bought two tins of Copenhagen. I thought it would be fun to chew tobacco, drink iced tea, and stay up all night watching a movie. Wrong on all counts.
On the plus side, I've been really regular about taking my medication. I've been fairly symptom free as far as the bipolar goes. Still on the plus side I've been sober off of alcohol and other drugs.
I carried a meeting into a treatment facility the other night. It was a really rewarding experience. I don't think the clients at the treatment center were there voluntarily, but some of them seemed interested in our message of hope. The promise of freedom from active addiction.
Well short entry, but that's it for tonight.
On the plus side, I've been really regular about taking my medication. I've been fairly symptom free as far as the bipolar goes. Still on the plus side I've been sober off of alcohol and other drugs.
I carried a meeting into a treatment facility the other night. It was a really rewarding experience. I don't think the clients at the treatment center were there voluntarily, but some of them seemed interested in our message of hope. The promise of freedom from active addiction.
Well short entry, but that's it for tonight.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
The kitchen is very, very clean...
It's three am. I've watched a movie, listened to two entire Grateful Dead concerts, and cleaned the kitchen until it shines. I feel GREAT! Unfortunately, for folks with bipolar disorder great is a mixed blessing. Any departure from a baseline mood is likely to create waves for days to come. Will my mood, as it did two weeks ago, suddenly turn into mania or will I crash into a mild to moderate depression?
I'm sad about leaving my farm in Idaho. There is so much I had hoped to do there. Maybe start a CSA, continue to sell artisan cheeses at the Farmers Market, or work on selling more hogs. All those dreams are on hold right now. Farming has turned from a budding enterprise into a hobby. A therapeutic hobby to be sure, but that's not really how I envisioned things going. I'm discouraged.
On the other hand, I'm not discouraged about how many of the other areas of my life are going. I feel like my recovery and bipolar control are going extremely well. I rarely think about drinking. My bipolar symptoms are largely under control despite tonight's hypomania. My family life is wonderful. I'm making new friends here in Oregon. I am so grateful for all that I do have. I feel truly blessed. When I'm in a better frame of mind, I get the feeling that we are right where we are supposed to be at this particular moment in time.
When I think about what's really important, I guess I don't have much to complain about. Now I just have to try to get a little sleep.
I'm sad about leaving my farm in Idaho. There is so much I had hoped to do there. Maybe start a CSA, continue to sell artisan cheeses at the Farmers Market, or work on selling more hogs. All those dreams are on hold right now. Farming has turned from a budding enterprise into a hobby. A therapeutic hobby to be sure, but that's not really how I envisioned things going. I'm discouraged.
On the other hand, I'm not discouraged about how many of the other areas of my life are going. I feel like my recovery and bipolar control are going extremely well. I rarely think about drinking. My bipolar symptoms are largely under control despite tonight's hypomania. My family life is wonderful. I'm making new friends here in Oregon. I am so grateful for all that I do have. I feel truly blessed. When I'm in a better frame of mind, I get the feeling that we are right where we are supposed to be at this particular moment in time.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Manic Episode
I hadn't been writing much on the blog. After all, there hadn't been much to write about. I'd been going along doing quite well. Sleeping right. Eating right. My mood had been stable. More stable than it had been in a long time in fact. Then Bam!
I don't know what all of the "triggers" for the episode were, but letting my program of self-care go a little bit was one of the triggers for sure.
My wife left town for a couple of days. Friday night I fell asleep on the couch and forgot to take my evening meds. In the morning, I somehow rationalized that this would be a good opportunity to drink a whole bunch of caffeine. So I started hitting the iced tea and triple iced espressos. By the time evening rolled around I was feeling so good, so hypomanic, that I didn't want to take my evening meds again. I guess I was figuring they would bring down the ecstatic mood I was in. Then it turned on a dime and morphed into a full blown mania. Complete with agitation, feelings of impending doom, panic, paranoia, and yes even mild delusions. I was watching the two older boys, but by this time they were asleep. I was feeling like I was incapable of being a responisible parent should there be some emergency although was probably not the case in reality. I was wondering if I should call a friend to come over to be with me. I was feeling like perhaps I should take a ride in to the hospital to come down. I was feeling as if the episode would never end although I know that they always end. Knowing that I was out of control I began reaching out and connect with anyone who would listen on Facebook chat. Why I didn't call someone on the phone I don't know. By this time I was jumping at every little noise in the night. Finally a friend of mine convinced me to take my meds. He suggested drinking a bunch of water and lying down. I finally slept for a little bit and the meds knocked the whole episode down a notch. Sunday came and I was still pretty wrecked. I managed to go to an NA meeting which helped. All though Sunday I continued with a moderate mixed state mania. Another night of two hours of sleep. By this time I had only slept 4 hours in the last 48. Finally on Monday morning I got a hold of my psychiatrist. She suggested that I immediately stop drinking caffeine and dramatically increase my lithium dose. This I did and within a couple of hours the episode was over.
This was the worst manic episode I had had in years. I was shocked. Only a couple of days of shoddy self-care and I was out of control. What a wake up call.
In the aftermath the increased lithium was making me feel like a zombie, but anything was better than the mania. Later in the week, working with my doctor, we managed to lower the dosage to where I was neither manic or a zombie. I'm feeling pretty good, although sleeping was a little harder.
On the bright side the episode helped me recognize and reaffirm how important self care is. I need to take care of myself especially when my wife is out of town. I realize now how "addictive" my behavior was. What I fine line I was walking. In a scary way it could have easily been alcohol I was drinking instead of caffeine.
I made a nice little checklist of the 10 or so things I need to do for my bipolar and recovery self-care.
I have another chance to cope better this weekend. My wife is going out of town again. I'm going to try to stick to my regimen as closely as possible.
Wish me luck!
I don't know what all of the "triggers" for the episode were, but letting my program of self-care go a little bit was one of the triggers for sure.
My wife left town for a couple of days. Friday night I fell asleep on the couch and forgot to take my evening meds. In the morning, I somehow rationalized that this would be a good opportunity to drink a whole bunch of caffeine. So I started hitting the iced tea and triple iced espressos. By the time evening rolled around I was feeling so good, so hypomanic, that I didn't want to take my evening meds again. I guess I was figuring they would bring down the ecstatic mood I was in. Then it turned on a dime and morphed into a full blown mania. Complete with agitation, feelings of impending doom, panic, paranoia, and yes even mild delusions. I was watching the two older boys, but by this time they were asleep. I was feeling like I was incapable of being a responisible parent should there be some emergency although was probably not the case in reality. I was wondering if I should call a friend to come over to be with me. I was feeling like perhaps I should take a ride in to the hospital to come down. I was feeling as if the episode would never end although I know that they always end. Knowing that I was out of control I began reaching out and connect with anyone who would listen on Facebook chat. Why I didn't call someone on the phone I don't know. By this time I was jumping at every little noise in the night. Finally a friend of mine convinced me to take my meds. He suggested drinking a bunch of water and lying down. I finally slept for a little bit and the meds knocked the whole episode down a notch. Sunday came and I was still pretty wrecked. I managed to go to an NA meeting which helped. All though Sunday I continued with a moderate mixed state mania. Another night of two hours of sleep. By this time I had only slept 4 hours in the last 48. Finally on Monday morning I got a hold of my psychiatrist. She suggested that I immediately stop drinking caffeine and dramatically increase my lithium dose. This I did and within a couple of hours the episode was over.
This was the worst manic episode I had had in years. I was shocked. Only a couple of days of shoddy self-care and I was out of control. What a wake up call.
In the aftermath the increased lithium was making me feel like a zombie, but anything was better than the mania. Later in the week, working with my doctor, we managed to lower the dosage to where I was neither manic or a zombie. I'm feeling pretty good, although sleeping was a little harder.
On the bright side the episode helped me recognize and reaffirm how important self care is. I need to take care of myself especially when my wife is out of town. I realize now how "addictive" my behavior was. What I fine line I was walking. In a scary way it could have easily been alcohol I was drinking instead of caffeine.
I made a nice little checklist of the 10 or so things I need to do for my bipolar and recovery self-care.
No Booze
No Drugs
No Caffeine
Moderate Nicotine
Daily exercise
Sleep hygiene
Prayer
Meditation
Meetings
Eat RightI have another chance to cope better this weekend. My wife is going out of town again. I'm going to try to stick to my regimen as closely as possible.
Wish me luck!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
From there comes my help...
I haven't blogged here in a couple of weeks. Mostly because I've been sleeping well, and I've done most of my writing while having hypomania and insomnia. I've been fairly symptom free for a month or so. But not tonight.
I just got back from a trip to the mountains for a few days. I went alone except for the dog. The mountains are extremely therapeutic for me. Being there helps me find peace, serenity, and clarity.
I went backpacking for three days. I hiked up from about 5000 feet to 8400 feet. At the pass at 8400 the trail was blocked by snow, and I had to turn back. I had the opportunity to fly-fish some beautiful alpine lakes. The fishing wasn't so fantastic, but the scenery sure was. I had planned on hiking a 35 mile loop, but the snowfields prevented that. I still managed about 20 miles though.
Anyway, the excitement from the trip has me experiencing some hypomania and insomnia. I'm not too worried about it as long as it doesn't turn back into a chronic problem. We'll see. I have some things I can try with the sleep. I haven't been practicing all of the tricks I know to improve my sleep hygiene.
Here are a few pictures from the trip.
To paraphrase the Psalmist, I will lift my eyes up into the hills, it is from there that my help comes, my help comes from the Lord, creator of all heaven and earth.
Good night all.
I just got back from a trip to the mountains for a few days. I went alone except for the dog. The mountains are extremely therapeutic for me. Being there helps me find peace, serenity, and clarity.
I went backpacking for three days. I hiked up from about 5000 feet to 8400 feet. At the pass at 8400 the trail was blocked by snow, and I had to turn back. I had the opportunity to fly-fish some beautiful alpine lakes. The fishing wasn't so fantastic, but the scenery sure was. I had planned on hiking a 35 mile loop, but the snowfields prevented that. I still managed about 20 miles though.
Anyway, the excitement from the trip has me experiencing some hypomania and insomnia. I'm not too worried about it as long as it doesn't turn back into a chronic problem. We'll see. I have some things I can try with the sleep. I haven't been practicing all of the tricks I know to improve my sleep hygiene.
Here are a few pictures from the trip.
Good night all.
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